Communication

    Communication is so important in developing healthy relationships! This can make or break your relationship with someone else. However, communication can sound easy on paper but it can be really difficult a lot of the time. To help, David Burns gives us 5 secrets to effective communication that will assist us in easier communication therefore improving our relationships with our spouse and the people around us.

    The first secret to effective communication is called the disarming technique. This is when you find a kernel of truth in what the other person is saying. This can be so hard because you feel that you are right but problems are often two sided. Whether it is small or big, find a kernel of truth in what they are saying to you. Sometimes this will seem extremely unfair but it is an important part of the effective communication process.

    The next step is empathy. Empathy is sharing and sympathizing with another and understanding how they are feeling. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand and sympathize with how they are feeling. There are two different types of empathy one can try in communication. The first is thought empathy. This is when you paraphrase others words to let them know you hear them and understand them. You can make the other person feel more heard and appreciated which will promote healthy communication. Feeling empathy is the next type of empathy. This is when one acknowledges how something could make them feel. Acknowledge how the situation is probably making them feel sad and empathize with how they are feeling. Don't ignore other people's feelings because you don't feel the same way or don't think they should be feeling that way. Acknowledge them and empathize with them.

    Inquiry is the third step to effective communication. This is when you ask the other person questions about what they are experiencing and feeling. Do this gently, not rude or in an accusing nature. Asking questions can make people feel heard and understood. It will also help you know what the other person is thinking so that there is no miscommunication.

    The fourth secret is "I feel" statements. These statements are when you start with saying "I feel" and then explaining how the situation makes you feel because it is important that they know how you are feeling also. These statements are great because it lets the other person know how you are feeling rather than getting angry and telling the other person that they are wrong or any other sort of mean language.

    Lastly, the last technique is called stroking which means to show an attitude of respect toward the other person. Throughout the whole thing show respect and dignify the other person's feelings. Hopefully they will show the same respect to you but you can only control yourself. Be genuine when doing this, important conversations are not a time to be sarcastic. Showing respect help healthy communication significantly.

    David Burns also gives us the acronym EAR to help remember these steps. The E is for empathy which includes the first three steps: the disarming technique, empathy, and inquiry which all demonstrate empathy. The A is for assertiveness which includes the fourth step of "I feel" statements. You can be assertive with how you are feeling because that's just as important as how the other person is feeling. The R stands for Respect. It is so important to convey an attitude of respect.

    Now, after reading the 5 secrets to effective communication, think about how you already communicate with your spouse or the people around you. Are there similarities? Are there differences? But most importantly, how can you incorporate these 5 steps into your communication? Look for differences in how communication has improved and changed.